Doing a David Copperfield
Somebody left a comment mentioning escapism. I don't know what the heck is wrong with my comprehension but I just can't grasp what he is trying to say. Is it directed at me or you? Oh well... All I know is it left me with this realization that has been nagging behind my brain.
I've been trying to fix the little clutter that my life has become in a relatively short time. Labored for a long while, lost in a fleeting moment. Having too much time in my hands is driving me to insanity. I can not stand still. Oh geez, it's time to pick up where I left off.
It didn't occur to me that my whole life, I not only have been running but I've been running away. High school. Family. College. Career. Boys. It's a series of unfinished chapters. I go back to each one and instantly feel the same as when I last let myself feel it. I haven't been living but merely surviving. (Let me quote you on that one) Can I muster enough strength to actually live?
I finally smiled and laughed last night... As I have before this. I was surrounded by everyone and everything that has, without falter, given me overwhelming happiness and unconditional love. This is my escape... My surreal reality. It was so easy to say I'm doing fantastic and that I can move on from you and everything else... Because this is a world wherein you do not exist. You are merely another name in my long list.
Is there any way to cut Laguna off from Manila? I never want to go back.
Rebound
Recognition is the opium of the self-indulgent. I'm high on 379 views of my Friendster profile since 04/01/06 and 626 visitors to this blog since March 15, 2006. Vanity is definitely my favorite sin.
I have played the field for exactly a year and a half until this boy came along and deluded me into thinking that unconditional love can actually exist. It was all a delusion... figments of my hyperactive imagination. I used to
run, hit the road, don't commit. Until... without realizing it, I have developed a devotion to someone who is unquestionably unworthy. How fucking longer must I live in denial? Only I can answer that, I suppose.
I didn't plan on this, on crying my eyes out and spreading anger to unknowing loved-ones. I've always known and told myself that when the situation requires, I would fade goodbye. I have done it for so long that I am disappointed and surprised at myself for everything that I have been thoughtlessly doing for the past two weeks. I am in so much anguish that I would like to beg the people who love me to shoot me on sight. I have to stop this madness somewhere.
Oh good Lord, I'm afraid I am back to being a cynic.
On other matters, I returned to the South. Living in my parents' house, living on my parents' money (mercifully without a curfew), hanging at places from high school days. Hey, I have new friends. Future boyfriends *with crossed fingers*. It IS so much better to play the field.
The Car Crash that I never thought I'd be in
So it was like this:
I was supposed to watch the 845 screening of Rent with the family last night but I kinda missed that it's R-13 so baby sis can't watch so we ended up just hanging around. I didn't want to end the night so early because my hair was blowdried to perfection (such vanity) so I texted Ipertz for couples.
After n bottles of beer, I was already buzzed so we said our goodbyes and I got in a cab. My world was still spinning when, just as the cab was turning right on Shaw, this white Civic appeared out of nowhere and rammed into the left front of the cab. My body was wedged on the seat but my head was suddenly thrown in an awkward direction that I think I heard my neck snap.
That's when it hit me. Needless to say, the cab was a total wreck... and so was I. It was surreal but definitely not nice. I felt the cab spinning, and I saw my head smash into the window at slo' mo. Okeiii, so it wasn't as dramatic it sounds, but it could've been! Haha. I swear it was preeeeetty horrible. It didn't occur to me that I could've died. At that time, all I was concerned about was if I was bleeding anywhere. I was so scared that I'd have a nasty scar on my face or something. The Civic that sideswiped us banged smack into a jeep. Take that mo'fo! When I got out of the cab, I was stunned beyond speech. Although it did slip my mind that hey cool, I've never been in a car crash before. Flip, huh?
I sobered up in a matter of minutes, got into another cab and wished the crash were worse.
Yes, it's Byebye na.
If you really didn't want me to stay away, you would've been considerate of how I would feel with the things you say/write. You would've at least
pretended mourning for what we have lost. So... now I know we really meant nothing to you. I meant nothing to you.
Tangina, di mo na ko iniba sa kanila. Napakadaling bitiwan at kalimutan.I'm not Wolverine, I couldn't heal myself in a matter of seconds. It has only been two weeks and there you were already saying those sweet things about other girls.
If you didn't know it would hurt me, then fuck you mann, you're more insensitive than I thought.
I once asked if you were going to erase me. Now, let me erase you. Isn't that what you want?
I Miss You
To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real... Why? Because all those nights I woke up thinking of you, I never thought I would ever actually wake to see you beside me...It's a beautiful Saturday morning with the birds chirping outside and the sunshine causing a kaleidoscope spectrum in my room. I would've wiggled my toes in bliss and smiled at my ever-loyal sleep buddy Nyoms-nyoms if it wasn't your face that I saw. I would never wake up in your arms or with you in my arms ever again... That much is clear. And that makes waking to weekends too difficult.
To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold Utopian dream... Why? Because I've run from getting too attached far too long and to hear those words from you thawed my freezing heart out...That night has changed my whole perspective in... everything. To hear those words from you, I had, or so I thought, been finally assured that you had boxed your past and thrown it somewhere it couldn't be reopened. I know it was rather hurtful for me to have answered let's not make things complicated but I didn't want to scare you off with commitment right then and there... when all I wanted was to do just that and to tell you how happy I was. Imagine my surprise when you said goodbye a week after. The lies we tell are amusing, my dear. But the funny thing is, at least one thing was true. You are full of lies. Haha. Galing. You are simply marvelous, or is it because we all are? Maybe I just put you too high up in a pedestal. Oh, what the heck. I always knew that things will go on for you, with no mind of where I'm at.
You do something to me that I can't explain so would I be out of line if I said... Why? Because I wasn't exaggerating nor pretending everytime I told you you made my heart quiver and my knees buckle... You did and it went to show how much effect you had on me...I wish I never will have to see nor talk to you and be the girl I was with you again. It's over, Floi. Get over it and move on. I wish it were that easy. I wish I didn't feel this pain. I wish I weren't so in love with you so you couldn't hurt me. It's just the way it is, I guess. You will continue hurting me just because you can... And you will continue forgetting me just because I didn't turn out to be the girl who can hurt you.
You have only been gone ten days but already I'm wasting away... Why? Because...What we had was a learning experience for you and I'm glad. I showed you there's beauty in life after all the shit you've been through and I'm glad. I fixed you and I'm glad. But tell me, who's supposed to fix me now? Just when my life has been turned upside-down, you're gone. What would you have done when you found me that morning you abandoned me in your bathroom soaked in my blood? I was the best of me when I was with you... And I am the worst of me now that you've left.
And there's nothing more to it.
Stand up. Keep it up.
It was 7:45 and I was still waiting for a 7PM appointment to show up. I was sitting outside one of the crowdiest coffee shops in the business district when the guy on the next table announced to his friends that he couldn't keep his penis up. I hardly thought it was something to be proud of, really, but this guy just went on and on about it like he was in a dark confessional or something. Cut it out, mann. I'm the one getting embarrassed for you.
I was vaguely reminded of a certain someone whose penis hurts after the first round. I'm not a genius in the male anatomy but I'm pretty much sure that it's a dysfunction. How I pity those skanks he seduces with his oozing testosterones. What a frustration it would be.
Times like this, we watch Jerry Springer.
Saved by denial
It's hard not to think positive when everything in your life seems to rhyme. The beauty of it all is suffocating. That is when I become a happy little idiot, whose fate truly is in the hands of God. Bring on the hymns, let me alert the church whilst I send an SMS to the Bible Reflections hotline.
It just has to be said: I love waking up every morning with a disposition in life as light as freshly baked sponge cake, but it scares the shit out of me... I figured before, I will either be successful and alone or happily domesticated with 2.5 kids and a crap-job. Now, I just don't care. Being this happy when my relationship with a certain someone has gone down the drain and while the company I've stayed loyal to for two years is making a mockery out of that little thing called loyalty can mean only two things: I've either grown up or I'm in absolute denial.
I remember staring out at my life sometime ago thinking, "Rhyme, damn you!". I felt like I was running from one lamp-lit corner to the next, looking for the right moment of perfect circumstances, when all the street signs in the world said that there never will be such a said moment.
It doesn't make sense anymore to feel negative about anything. Yeah sure, I'm paranoid and freakishly suspicious of people's motives sometimes... so sue me. I'm not going down in flames because of a few mindless moments of throw-caution-to-the-wind spontaneity. There are times when that's how I would act (oh, you would die of laughter), but I think that it's just not worth it with some people.
Some people will just make you regret you ever so much as breathed in their direction. I have motives of my own, thank you very much. But as I said, it doesn't make sense to feel bad. For too long, I mean. Give yourself time to grieve, but that's how far it should go. Chips on shoulder are so... old.
So, I'm back to running around crazy as I did when I was five years old. After a saga of "teka" moments, I'm going back to the start, erasing the whole damn thing. But the only difference is, pretty soon, I will stand still. I'll drop everything and embrace the simplicity of the life I'm about to indulge in. Maybe then, I can truly be happy.
Bounced
The necrological rites... was the best thing that happened to me. Seeing everyone there, and being around everyone. Hearing the eulogies and watching these allegedly tough men weep for one of their own. It was so touching that the pain just faded...
I was reminded of the bigger role we play in each other's lives and I was overwhelmed with happiness. Yes, I will miss everything we did and shared. I will be jealous of the next girl/s you will have on your bed and in your life. But they... should be more jealous of me. Because as opposed to what I wrongfully claimed before, I am NOT dispensable from your life. We are practically married to each other... we are part of each other's lives even after death.
And with that, I saw where you were coming from... And what you were driving at. And I am so damn proud of you because you ARE becoming all that is good and noble in man. All those late night talks made their way to your heart, and that is more than enough consolation to me. At the same time, what you did made me a better woman with a higher regard to herself who deserves better than anything she has to beg for. Thank you.
I am the girl you truly love and respect and could never hurt. I am the silver tint in your clouds of doubts. Nobody else but me. What more need I ask for?
It's funny how our emotions and egos get the better of us, drowning every drop of logic and sensibility and principles. We insist on our personal wants under the mask of selflessness. I'm sorry I had to put you in a tough position. But I'm not sorry we happened. I grew up. I can carry on.
Let's start over again. This time let's do it right. No more hormones and chemistry shit to boggle our minds. I look forward to shaking your hand, kissing your cheek, hugging you tight, giving you your dose of happy happy floi floi pill and being called your beloved.
Shut up. Just shut up.
One irritatingly permanent part of living in our world is people who talk as if the whole world were interested in what they had for lunch, or what an asshole their boss is, or that their freaking slut of a sister is pregnant again. Last night, I was on my way to the South for a wake and this lady was just yakking up a whole sad storm about how rough she was having it with the father of her son. I mean, I emphatize and all... but I just really don't want to hear about it. I have my own bitter angst-ridden thoughts to stew on, thank you very much.
I couldn't stop myself from blurting out, Weren't you talking about the same thing in the same car going to the same destination last week?
She just laughed and said, Aren't you and I so the same? Aren't women like this? We need to go on and on and on about our woes until we've expelled them from our system.
Whoa there lady, you've been telling everyone you see yourself in me but God forbid I grow old like you. And no, I don't just blurt out my negativity anywhere to anyone.
My point being, when you're in a public place... people just don't need to hear about it. Let's respect each other, people! If not each other, ourselves at least. That lady last night, if only I didn't think that she's already having a hard enough time, would've gotten a mouthful from me about properly sharing public space. Yeah, yeah, let's hear about freedom of speech and being in a private enough Pajero but let's please consider the well being of each other first. Thank you.
I'm not a bad listener. In fact, I listen so well and with such intent. But that lady simply doesn't know how to put a sock in it.
And no, I'm not doing well. But I'm getting there. I know in time you'll be out of my mind. In time.
Let the love die a natural death
March 6, 2006
from
MultiplyHe's like Cain and I'm Abel. No, I am not a Bible lunatic. I just can't get it off my mind. Abel offered his best sheep, and Cain just gave SOME of his crops. And that's why God loved Abel more.
Or I'm like the woman who gave two cents and he's the guy who gave a silver coin. The woman gave all she got; the guy gave an abysmally small fraction of his fucking wealth.
This is not about money, by the way.
This is about me, and how I've almost fallen apart overnight. Sometimes, when a relationship or an attempt at one no longer works... you love, learn and then you move on. It's what the doctor prescribes. Screw you, doc. You don't know jack shit.
I just want to curl up into a ball of flame and fall down, down, down... into wherever the hell shooting stars fall into when they pass the skies. I feel so fucking disoriented.
But I'm young, just turned 21... I should be messy and sloppy and living a crazy life. But I don't want a crazy life. I just want you.
I just want you.
I can manage with some of your crops and that small fraction of your wealth. Little is better than none. You can't ask me to stop giving my everything; I'm already too full of myself that I leave a trail of me in my wake. Might as well gather it all for your taking because nobody deserves me but you.
========================
For some couples, it's the seven-year itch. For us, it's the first-week-of-the-month itch. I was hoping that things would be easier for April, but lo and behold, it's finally over... For good.
I not only let you down but myself most of all when this pain gripped me and caused me to bargain. I have always assured you (and myself) that I will not be hurt, that I am strong enough to let you go once you ask me to but even I was surprised when I practically begged you not to go and to reconsider and to be content with what we have because I am and I do not and never did ask for anything more. Such irony that you wanted out because you respect me too much to hurt me and you know yourself too well to be certain that you will eventually do just that but my actions and words were far from respectable. Desperate times called for desperate measures.
I tried to sleep but I can't. I'm sorry but there's so much I want to say but I'm too coward to tell to your face coz you wouldn't allow it. I love you. I do and I can't stop it. I tried and tried, God knows I tried but it's just too strong. Please think it over some more. I'm begging you. Take your time. I'm sorry. I know I said I'll let you go when you ask me to but I can't. Go on and meet more people. That I won't keep you from. When you find the one, tell me. Tell me and then I can let go and move on. Coz I want to be the one. I know I can be the one. I'll wait endlessly until you tell me you've found her. Nobody has ever made me feel this way and I never thought I can but I do and you did that and I'm happy it was you. I'm happy it was you and I'm happy for who I am with you. You changed me in so many ways that I actually think I can be all you want and need. I listen, more than you realize. Don't see me as someone too good for you. I know myself and my worth and you are more than good enough to deserve me. Please, I'm begging you. Reconsider. I'm not asking for commitment, just the permission to love you as I have and still do.
This is it. Nothing could change your mind. I have never cried like I cried when everything you said sank in and it only told me how much I have come to love you. It was the first time I told myself that I can't... I can't recover from this pain, I can't let you go. I used to think saying I can't is a sign of weakness, but now I know it's a sign of strength. I am strong enough now to express my grief and to affirm the pain. I am strong enough now to mourn.
On the tenth hour of my bawling bordering on hysterics, I felt a strange calm take over me, like I have just been hugged and told everything will be okay.
If you really can't see us together any longer, please let me be the one to end this. Give me the chance to slowly slip away. I'll stop but not like this, not so abrupt. I will stop I promise but I know myself and I can't yet. It's too painful. Let me do it in my own pace. I love you too much to put a halt on it just like that. I never asked for anything from you and this is my only and last request.Yes, it would make things easier. I need to have the last say on this, just so I can claim I left you and not be a pity with the other way around.
But still... Why can't I just lie in bed and cry until they carry me away to Neverland?
I can't help but go back to that night, when you told me you love me and I, in turn, told you to not make things complicated. I love you. For all those times I felt it and did not say. I love you. For all those times I would still be feeling it but wouldn't have the right to say. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that enough. I love you.
If I die, will I be remembered?
Going back to the South last night to pay my respects to a late great man, I pondered over what I call the life I have.
It's rather plain and simple, complicated as it may seem. No problem is completely irresolvable... No conflict is completely irreconcilable. I have choices to make which are not quite difficult if only I would let go of the railings and take a dive into the uncertainties of the future.
Contentment to me now is this utopian cloud of fairy dust being constantly blown away by the winds of envy and self-pity. All I want in the world is to be able to stand still in a moment where I can truly say that I want what I have and nothing more. So, I set little goals and built a net to catch that cloud of fairy dust, but it would always just slip through the holes. No matter how wide my net reached, it just isn't happening.
Sick as it may sound, I'm glad for this death because it prompted my whole I'm-so-depressed-kill-me-now-and-let-me-weep phase to wither and die. I realized I just need to close my eyes and the fairy dust will come raining down on my head, as I think happy thoughts and fly away... Yes, like Peter Pan. But more like Wendy, who in the end just wanted to go home to the real world and grow up.
I drown in seas of alcohol
Lust and addictions
My convictions are for the flies
Severed ties from reality and family
I've burned all bridges
Let the air catch embers
If I die, will I be remembered?
--- When Heroes Die, Urbandub
You're right. I'm sorry. For everything.
The sand on my feet, the chilly wind and the gentle splash of seawater... You on the phone.
I have developed this amazing way of holding myself together, of not breaking down in front of anyone. But at that moment, I began to cry. I thought, they wouldn't see anyway. They were busy making out. I also thought I wouldn't cry.
The indifferent tone of your voice was more than enough to tell me that there is something wrong, although you insisted there was none. I wanted to get on a boat and go to you to see if there was a hint of what you really wanted to say in your eyes. I just want how we were before that night back.
So this is what doing something stupid and not having a chance to correct it feels like. Oh, the proverbial feeling of wasted effort. You should know. Not long ago...
I wish I could take it back. I wish I had given it more thought. I wish Genie would appear and grant me these.
I know you were seething inside when I lit that cig. But I also know you've been nailbiting.
Page 104 on Seventeen
April seemed too far last February, as I was excited to see how you would look like with eyeliners on. I've always liked boys with eyeliners. Too bad, though. You did turn out to look like your sister as you claimed... only constipated.
You had another interview last night and I realized that... whoa, you are becoming a rockstar. I never dreamt of being a rockstar's girlfriend but now when I almost am, I realize that I won't survive being one. Those Poveda girls talking about you like you were some piece of hot meat (Although you truly are oh hotter than Tabasco) almost received serious whiplash from me. That's my boy you're talking about, skanks. I took pride, nonetheless, but I was never used to not being the one on the spotlight. I've always been the biatch who enjoyed making my boy boil with possession. But here we are. I took you into consideration when I turned down that offer by FHM, by the way.
I never only saw you for what you do but for who you are and how you treat me.
When I first heard your name and saw what you could do, I was amazed. But only for the time being. When I met you, I never could live my far-out reaction down. Your occupation did not matter after just the same.
I didn't know anything about you and the life you live. Now I do and I'm in it. Fascinating as it truly is to me. And I guess it's pretty obvious: You fascinate me. Everything I've come to know about you is surreal, soothing and vaguely... joyous. No matter how down and depressed you claim to be... You'll always be treading up there for me.
Humility is a lovely thing. If only I haven't seen how well you are in your craft, and how you do it with such ease and passion... It is lovely. Everyone should see for themselves. I love your talent and the chagrin with which you flaunt it with.
