Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Measure your life how?

Measure your life in love - the single line in Rent that I chose to live by upon watching the musical. The sad truth is, as with every other mantra, it is easier to say than to do.

Spending the last few days pondering about what I need to start and stop doing, I have come to the realization that as much as I tried to convince myself and everyone that I measure my life in love, I don't. I measure my life in work and achievements. Lately, my life has come to its worst - I've been measuring my life in money. No wonder this is the lowest I've become. Here's the story as I see it.

Whenever I look back, I go visit one of many blogs that I started, maintained and ultimately, abandoned over the years. Yes, they are filled with heartaches. There is so much heartache in what I've written that one can easily deduce that I am addicted to drama and self-inflicted pain. Relationships are the main course in this life of mine; it is under the spotlight. But when one takes a closer look, between the lines, you'll see that the heartaches are only for my entertainment and humor. I have always managed to trudge on during and after every failed relationship or attempt at one. I seldom wrote about what doesn't need to be written and that would be the joyous times. I have never been one to find pleasure in bragging.

The last time I was this low, I was in between jobs. My first job of 2.5 years failed to provide me the promise that I shall be successful professionally. I was 21. I learned to accept that it was my fault - my own negligence to the blessing of having a decent job despite not having a college degree - that led me to that predicament. Application after application for a similar position was followed by rejection after rejection. I did all that my low self-esteem could to recover by working at a call center. I thought, "Who am I kidding? I don't have the credentials. Nobody would look at my resume twice again." Guess what. Six years later, I still feel the same.

A few months after my failure, I met who I thought was the love of my life. I wanted to do so much more than answer calls but he taught me that answering calls is not just that but a job that would pay the rent and help us build our future together. I ended up working for the two of us for the most part of the relationship but I couldn't complain. For once in my life, I could see a future for myself... with him. I worked harder, albeit in a call center, because I wanted to earn more for the life that we would share. Perhaps that wasn't what God or my Palm or the Universe wanted for me because the relationship eventually ended. The most incredible part was that first quarter of 2010 during our break-up limbo, I became the top performer at work. No, love wasn't my fuel. It was the drive to be the best.

I found a new anchor - something to convince myself that I am living and not merely surviving. I traveled full time and worked part of the time. Every cent that I could shell out was spent for going places, mainly to beaches. I was happy. Really? Beats me. All I know is, the feeling of hopelessness and the urge to die was not as strong as it was a week ago.

Everything went downhill after a year and a half. The desire for and the possibility of a promotion became smaller and smaller due to my trust to the people I work for being directly proportional to. I started earning less. The metrics our performance were measured on became impossible to exceed. I could not travel anymore. One would think that with my track record, someone would listen to my woes but my criticism fell on deaf ears. "This is a business we're running, not some bipolar kid's support group", was what I heard instead of the flowery words. Facts started becoming euphemisms and euphemisms became facts. Despite my efforts to stay alive, I feel like I am already dead. Thus, here I am with the conclusion that I have not been measuring my life in love, for others, for life, for my work and for myself.

I want to go back to that - to that little girl filled with hope and confidence and determination. I want to be able to measure my life in love. I do. I just need to figure out how to.


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