Monday, April 10, 2006

Let the love die a natural death

March 6, 2006
from Multiply

He's like Cain and I'm Abel. No, I am not a Bible lunatic. I just can't get it off my mind. Abel offered his best sheep, and Cain just gave SOME of his crops. And that's why God loved Abel more.

Or I'm like the woman who gave two cents and he's the guy who gave a silver coin. The woman gave all she got; the guy gave an abysmally small fraction of his fucking wealth.

This is not about money, by the way.

This is about me, and how I've almost fallen apart overnight. Sometimes, when a relationship or an attempt at one no longer works... you love, learn and then you move on. It's what the doctor prescribes. Screw you, doc. You don't know jack shit.

I just want to curl up into a ball of flame and fall down, down, down... into wherever the hell shooting stars fall into when they pass the skies. I feel so fucking disoriented.

But I'm young, just turned 21... I should be messy and sloppy and living a crazy life. But I don't want a crazy life. I just want you.

I just want you.

I can manage with some of your crops and that small fraction of your wealth. Little is better than none. You can't ask me to stop giving my everything; I'm already too full of myself that I leave a trail of me in my wake. Might as well gather it all for your taking because nobody deserves me but you.


For some couples, it's the seven-year itch. For us, it's the first-week-of-the-month itch. I was hoping that things would be easier for April, but lo and behold, it's finally over... For good.

I not only let you down but myself most of all when this pain gripped me and caused me to bargain. I have always assured you (and myself) that I will not be hurt, that I am strong enough to let you go once you ask me to but even I was surprised when I practically begged you not to go and to reconsider and to be content with what we have because I am and I do not and never did ask for anything more. Such irony that you wanted out because you respect me too much to hurt me and you know yourself too well to be certain that you will eventually do just that but my actions and words were far from respectable. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

I tried to sleep but I can't. I'm sorry but there's so much I want to say but I'm too coward to tell to your face coz you wouldn't allow it. I love you. I do and I can't stop it. I tried and tried, God knows I tried but it's just too strong. Please think it over some more. I'm begging you. Take your time. I'm sorry. I know I said I'll let you go when you ask me to but I can't. Go on and meet more people. That I won't keep you from. When you find the one, tell me. Tell me and then I can let go and move on. Coz I want to be the one. I know I can be the one. I'll wait endlessly until you tell me you've found her. Nobody has ever made me feel this way and I never thought I can but I do and you did that and I'm happy it was you. I'm happy it was you and I'm happy for who I am with you. You changed me in so many ways that I actually think I can be all you want and need. I listen, more than you realize. Don't see me as someone too good for you. I know myself and my worth and you are more than good enough to deserve me. Please, I'm begging you. Reconsider. I'm not asking for commitment, just the permission to love you as I have and still do.

This is it. Nothing could change your mind. I have never cried like I cried when everything you said sank in and it only told me how much I have come to love you. It was the first time I told myself that I can't... I can't recover from this pain, I can't let you go. I used to think saying I can't is a sign of weakness, but now I know it's a sign of strength. I am strong enough now to express my grief and to affirm the pain. I am strong enough now to mourn.

On the tenth hour of my bawling bordering on hysterics, I felt a strange calm take over me, like I have just been hugged and told everything will be okay.

If you really can't see us together any longer, please let me be the one to end this. Give me the chance to slowly slip away. I'll stop but not like this, not so abrupt. I will stop I promise but I know myself and I can't yet. It's too painful. Let me do it in my own pace. I love you too much to put a halt on it just like that. I never asked for anything from you and this is my only and last request.

Yes, it would make things easier. I need to have the last say on this, just so I can claim I left you and not be a pity with the other way around.

But still... Why can't I just lie in bed and cry until they carry me away to Neverland?

I can't help but go back to that night, when you told me you love me and I, in turn, told you to not make things complicated. I love you. For all those times I felt it and did not say. I love you. For all those times I would still be feeling it but wouldn't have the right to say. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that enough. I love you.


At 2:03 PM, Blogger strandedsoul said...


At 3:24 PM, Anonymous gin said...

ay break kayu ate?

At 8:07 PM, Anonymous tins said...

i wanted to say a lot of things to make you feel better..but ive been there and i know that in times, especially like words could ever be comforting. but i know this would work...>:D< *tight hug*

sweetie.. il go anytime, anywhere with you. just text me, k?

alabshoo. lets talk this over....(even with weng weng!) smile please!


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