Friday, March 31, 2006

Okay was all I could say

I suck at serious conversations. Surprise Suprise... Human I am. I actually suck at something. I could never get myself to focus on resolving an issue without throwing in a few playful repartee. That's just how I am.

I know I disappointed you with my reaction to That confession... And how I took things lightly. I sort of saw in your eyes that you were expecting me to go berserk, cry, argue, tell you what I want you to do, bang my head on the dashboard... As what a sappy pathetic girl you may have come to be familiar with would do. Not me.

I am changing myself, and I'm taking you with me. You and I need serious overhauls, you know. We've jumped from one relationship to another like it's a game of hopscotch... Cross the line and you're out. Not this time.

Ever noticed how the more people tell you not to do something, the stronger the urge to do it? I told you not to think about me, about us... Because your problems are piled up beyond more than you can handle and I don't want to make your situation worse than it is. I want to be your solution, darling, so let me be just that. But what do you know, you had me in your head the whole day.

It was sweet. You are sweet. That's trivial. And with all those girls as proof, you are trivial... Coz I haven't recovered my tolerance to romance, just yet. Little by little, I am waking from your spell. Now, it's your turn to be mesmerized.

Didn't I tell you you will love me?

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Things Left Unsaid

Start over again... This time let's do it right...

The Makati skyline will never be as beautiful as it is through the windows of Summit One Tower. It's not New York, but it will do. I stood on the 23rd, staring out the great big windows. Sucking in the solemnity of moment... which could might as well be the last.


It has been a one-sided conversation for much longer than I can bear. A few cliches were thrown around last night... But I wish you didn't say I love you.

And as for you, I'm happy for you. You claim to have moved on and that your intentions are nothing more than to salvage a failed friendship. Well, an I'll try is always ever better than an I won't. I wish I were a better person. I wish I believed you.

And as for you, you disappoint me. And frankly, I don't care if you say that I disappoint you right back. With what you expect under the circumstances... I must say it's inevitable. If I were that brilliant, I'd be a broker and a half in the New York Stock Exchange right now. So far, everyday that has passed keeps bringing my confidence in your system to new levels of low. "If you're so smart, you'll figure it out. Kala ko ba taga-UP ka?". If I were so smart I wouldn't be here nor there. Pssfhfht. That really doesn't make sense. I hope you do become one of those power players of the new millenium, enjoying your millions and millions, and gloating and gloating. Well, good for you that that is the whole point of your life. I hope you enjoy your self-importance.

And as for you, you're a nice guy and all... but no. Really. It was all work for me as I need the money for my Galera trip. Whatever I do for pecuniary gain is inadmissible in court. So whatever happened then, let me be the one to say that it was really fun, but that's that. Sorry.

And as for you, you're death! How will you avoid being late for work??? HALAAAA!

And as for you...

Goodbye, and good luck.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

He sucked when he said sorry

It's unpredictable, life is. It needs not be said at all.

I showed a guy last night just how bitchy I can be. I was just chilling with a sis in a bar listening to another singer waste her vocal prowess on doing covers when an SMS sent alarms ringing in my head. I took two puffs of my Marlboro and a sip of my WengWeng before letting my fingers put into words what was on my mind. He just couldn't stop poking his nose where he shouldn't. You were lucky, buddy. What I said wasn't even half of what I almost said.

Don't you just hate that? People who mind other people's business as if the whole world wouldn't rotate without their meddling. Worse, you've told them to get off your case but they just insist and persist to bug you. You can't help but wonder if they're just plain stubborn or simply cannot comprehend the words that come out of your mouth. I admit I myself am guilty of it sometimes. But it hasn't ever reached a point that the person had to tell me to back off. I know exactly where the line is and I haven't crossed it. Ever. At least no instance that I know of. Yeah, yeah, I sound sickeningly sanctimonious but let's please consider this guy who on his own has done enough damage for me to digress from the task at hand just to clean up after him. Thank you.

With that being said and done, I must say I'm sorry for Mr. Meddler. He has let his title get to his head that his title is left to be just that... A title which does not accordingly earns him respect. Too bad though. He's a smart, well-off, good-looking guy. Fascinating, if you may. Except he sucks after every other word. Literally. So if he ever did say sorry...

it would just come out as I'm *suck* sorry.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

If You Forget Me

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup... But we post poetry today.

I want you to know

one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Monday, March 27, 2006

You Me Her Him

I can't believe I gave two complete strangers the address to my mind. The cold winds must have caused me brain freeze. Toink.

Reading my previous post sends shivers down my spine. She almost won me over. Good thing I had half the mind not to act impulsively nor stupidly again. Gotta give her kudos. She's one heck of a manipulative genius. Her words are pegs of a picket white fence that would've kept you out of my well-tended garden. Good thing a tornado came along and blew each one away.

It doesn't change the fact that I'm carefully prying your delicate little fingers open from your clasp of my hand, though. Slow death. Slowly and surely. So slowly you wouldn't even notice It die.

I'd still be on your side... But on a professional note. We've a vocation and we cannot turn our backs on each other no matter how our selves want to. THAT is what sets us apart. THAT is what makes us who we are. IF you haven't realized that yet, then I must've missed something.

I can't help but wonder what it is that makes you miss me. You say it too much now that when you say it, I look forward to what follows the dot-dot-dot that punctuates it. You say it too much that its meaning has turned into a dull shade of grey. You say it too much that I have to take a second look at the sender to confirm it's you... and not him.

It pisses me off that you are turning out to be everything I've tried hard to overlook about him when we were together... And everything that I took into consideration to help me stay away now that we are not. But, I feel different. How I wish I felt the same as I did with him.

How I wish I understand why despite my neurotic attacks that you trigger, I feel like I am the best of me now with you... that I never want to leave unless you ask me to. Were we sent down the same path so I can show you and be your light? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I already did, and my purpose has been served... And the curtain has fallen for one of the roles I play.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

The least stupid thing I'll ever do

This time around, I chose not to know everything because what I don't know won't hurt me but my itchy fingers ended up typing her blog's URL. This time around, I chose to not let my emotions show because what you don't know won't hurt me but tonight, I decided to give you this blog's URL... And to subject myself to the familiar failure of goodbye.

I hate myself because I have broken one too many promises to make some more. The last time, I promised to choose the girl's side in any situation. A girl hurt is a girl hurt and who could've been me and I would want girls to stick together at anytime regardless of whatever because all women are from Venus and one is metaphorical to the other. I chose your side for the mere reason that your role in my life outweighs hers big time because we are of the same substance and upbringing.

It was an exhibition of my poor judgement. I would've taken nobody's side... After all, I was not involved but I didn't want to be the punching bag that takes on anyone's free-flowing anger. I took your side until I made such distance to forget what made her and I close in the first place.

I promised to keep you sane and to not let you wallow alone in your depression. But here I am, typing the words of what I hope would be the last about you. Reading the first few posts of this blog told me... This is not me. I have worked hard to keep my promise to you... That I've helplessly compromised my own sanity along the way. I look at myself and I don't see me anymore... Only the girl that you made up. It's a choice, you or me. I choose me. And her.

I'm not saying she's right. Saying the things she said after four years is definitely not justifiable. But there is a truth in her words that makes me consider it acceptable... The call to hold on, the warning, the fading away goodbye, the declaration to listen and not to argue, the mutual mending, THIS BLOG. Everything makes sense that leads me to believe that we will end up the same way as you and her, without regard to our common ground.

The only difference is... I will move on. I would look at you with no bitterness and longing to be the girl you bare your heart to. I would talk to and about you without bringing up the times we've shared because they are better kept hidden as memories to arm me in life stronger. Because I am simply not her. Simply.

I'm sorry for doing this on the weekend that you asked for nothing but peace and freedom. You'll miss me... But you'll survive. Happy Birthday.

Friday, March 24, 2006

There's no Us

How could a conversation that began with Am I only making you suffer end with I miss you? Only you and I could do that. Thus, the reason behind my preference of one-sided conversations.

I sat quietly on the passenger seat but unlike before, when I was silent because I was busy observing life passing by, my mind was on overdrive. I was drowning in my apathy. Your words should have comforted me but I wasn't there. Your hand alternated between the shift stick and my hand but I barely noticed. I wasn't there.

I've blocked everything out, including you, in trying to come up with ways to emerge from the rising water. I need to breathe. I am not on the verge of insanity... I'm already there.

I came to the conclusion that I need not be stressed. I could just drop everything and go on day by day detached. Then, I won't have to feel anger, sadness, frustration, happiness and fulfillment.

I would be everything everyone wants me to be. I would be everything you want me to be. You could do everything you want without having to worry about hurting me. I could continue being the happy girl who spreads happiness to all who suffers from Dr. Igor's Vitriol.

You being affected of everything in your past doesn't necessarily mean you're not into me. That's good to hear. But let's just stop talking about us. You're my more than proximity infatuation but less than ulterior subjugation guy. And I miss you already.

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Oh, my melancholy heart... you are pure evil and you will be the cause of my earthly demise!

As I tried hard to read between the lines of your incessant pile of ramblings, I gave myself a little pat on the back. I thank God for I am not the most messed-up/confused/what-not poor slob out there. When I read that bit about me or at least what I think is about me for it could be anyone who has greeted you in advance, (and to show you how twisted this obsession can be) I smiled. Partly because I needed to believe that you really want to be with me, since the whole universe has conspired to bring us together after all. Partly because... nevermind.

I affirmed you as the person who makes me say what I truly think and feel but lately, I couldn't bring myself to let you know what goes on in my head. Partly because whatever comes out of my stupid mouth sounds... stupid, and is only bound to chase you away faster than I could get to the punctuation. Partly because everything I have already said appears to have zero impact on you and would have been better off said to space. Partly because... nevermind.

There were times this little voice in my head instructed me to tell you everything I have written here since these are things you deserve to know. Those were the times when I deliberately became careless and dropped hints of the existence of this blog. I've numerously absentmindedly placed the link where you can easily click on it but a louder voice tells me that this is not the right time and so I rather reluctantly took them out. Not now, as you yourself wrote.

It's better this way... having one-sided conversations. Monologues, if you will. One that I'll never know the other side of. Because much has been said and I am running out of strength to hold it up. So let's leave it at that.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Maybe for you

It was one of our Should-I-or-Should-he nights when I willfully crawled back into my shell and used my age-old defense from having my heart crushed and from being unforgivably embarrassed. We were lying there, waiting for the next scene of our own little soap opera although it was too obvious to be overlooked. We found ourselves involuntarily talking about a subject too sensitive for us to discuss but it was where our conversation led us... Too sensitive because, apparently or so I thought, we are living it by example... Coitus without emotional attachments.

I said, It's possible and almost too easy, actually.
You said, Maybe for you.

I bit my tongue but screamed in my head with such conviction and rage. Maybe for me?! Maybe for me?! MAYBE FOR ME?!

How about YOU?! You and all those girls that you've lost count of. You and that fugly girl that turned me off so casually that I survived a night beside you without touch. You and her and her and her and me. You and me. You and me.

By that, did you mean to tell me that what we do is more than what it really is? Am I not the only one in this arrangement thanking emotional constipation for aiding me to carry on?

Yes or no. Please don't tell me maybe.


It only entered my mind now that by your maybe for you remark, you meant other girls and me. Your acceptance of being what you are is proof that... you are what you are.

03262005 0615

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Let me slip away

I teared up uncontrollably as your iPod played Vindicated right on the intersection on Quezon Ave in front of PCMC where he told me he was seeing in him then the things I swore I saw myself. I know it was unfair that I have been hard on myself about crying over you when there I was breaking down at the first memory of him. So I wiped the tears before they fell and you didn't even notice and I was relieved because when we are together, we ARE together.

I've tried to forget, and I've tried to go out and make new memories to eradicate the ones he left me with. It's a plague, I tell you. All that crap we've thrown around about how this is what makes us who we are... is crap. The truth is I can't stand it anymore. It has been over a year, still he remains a ghost in my mind, haunting me in every waking, blinking and unconscious moment. No matter how preoccupied I can be, he hangs around the back of my mind, in places I can't reach, making it impossible for me to throw him out by force. I feel the void. I read my thoughts of our time together, and I can't help but wish our time wasn't up.

I do... I feel the void he left me with... The void I constantly pray you would fill.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Veronika Decides to Die

I'm tired... of life.

I cannot exactly put my finger on the exact moment but some time ago, I ceased to live my life; my life began to live me. I feel like I'm thrown into a rat race - everyday I wake up, run all day to catch up on God-knows-what then go home to sleep. I just may win but it won't change the fact that it still makes me a rat.

The problem with having a lot is having a lot of problems... it's equally proportionate; it's what's supposed to bring justice to this world. You got more money, you have more problems. You got more commitments, you have more responsibilities. That's just how it is.

Sure, I have a great life and it's inconsiderate of me to complain but everything gets too overwhelming sometimes and it gets too difficult to handle that I just can't force myself to take delight in anything that I want to give it all up for a life less complicated. This is one of those times.

I almost wish I weren't me. But then, I've read Paulo Coelho and I know better than to load up on Valiums. All I can do to save myself is beg God to stop testing my faith in Him, in people and in myself. Although I realized last night that sometimes, I just need someone to have faith in me. Good thing, you're there.

I heard Mass again yesterday... after two years. And I don't think God acknowledged me.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Again and Again

What you did last night made me lose sleep again.

I have been doing just fine... sleeping like a baby for eight hours for two consecutive nights. These were the nights when I had successfully ejected you out of my mind. But then, you had to catch me off guard and hug me in front of everyone... your inconsistency has me drowning in pools of hope and desire again.

I wish you were like those sonnets I write in my head... beautiful at the moment, forgotten on the next. But you are more like the persistent rash I get everytime I indulge myself with tempura... the itch that feels so good when scratched but leaves a nasty mark for days. And I never learn. I keep eating and scratching, eating and scratching because I could never keep myself from something so good. Your effect on me feels so good. I let you make my heart quiver and my knees wobble again.

You wanted to die again. But you ended up passing out without saying good night again. Again. Again. Again.

We're riding a carousel, sweetheart. Where do we get off?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I only hear what I want to

These days, everything makes me want to cry. A song, a word, a joke, a show, a PLAY... everything you can possibly imagine. I would've been smelling like tears for too long now if only my tear ducts had opened up. I don't know whether to hold on or let go. Holding on means I'm still hoping for that opportune moment when things will suddenly bend over backwards and snap into place. It means I'm hoping for something that may never happen... how brave am I to do that? How pitiful and humbled, and monstrously pathetic can I allow myself to be, even just for a hint of what could be?

Then again, holding on is self-inflicted torture. It's suicide with a blue Panda. Or a congenital fungal infection.

We're the same, you and me. You have been mourning since I don't know when... but from the look and sound of it, you've been mourning for way too long. Once, I fell in love with your play of words - your words which were dripping with heartache... your words which I used to dream were for me. Your words which are now my sentiments, which just leads me to believe we're all one in the same. We're all heartbroken and jaded.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Familiarity breeds Contempt

Today marks my 2nd year at work. Oh wow, a year ago, I was planning to resign. A year later, I still haven't resigned and I'm more bitter and harassed than ever. Which made me think...

My job is much like relationships. They're funn in the beginning. You learn a lot and you love a lot more. After a while, something just snaps and everything goes haywire. You try to fix it... You hope and pray so fucking hard that it will get better. But it doesn't and you can't do anything more but kick yourself in the tush for fooling yourself. Dimwit.

You console yourself with the idea of loyalty. Loyalty - sticking with your commitments through the highs and the lows. Crap. All crap. Your commitments have left you high and dry long before you realized it.

For 2006, I resolved to quit making the same damn mistakes in my life. Why does everything feel oh-so-reminiscent?

Someone needs to spank me in the mouth everytime I say gago. I've been saying it too much lately.

I Really Wanted Anonymity

But what's the point. My identity will be revealed by some inconsiderate skank sooner or later, anyway.

Hey folks, guess who's back.