I'm sorry. Not really.
Browsing through Friendster made me realize something, the boy I've always thought to be my Mr. Big lost the love of his life partly because of me.
I had no idea how happy the two of you were and how perfect you were together. Just because he always managed to make his way to me, even when the two of you had supposedly gotten serious. If you were The One, why did he keep me around, noh? What's funny is, your stories are similar to my stories and to others' too. I just dont see what's so special about that. Is it because you tolerated him far longer?
Wala lang. Nabasa ko lang yung testi mo sa kanya, parang napakabitter mo that I was (and still am, by the way) in his life. I'm sorry if you were hurt because of me. I guess you hate me as much as I hate this other girl. Haha. Bilog nga ang mundo.
As I've said, my soul will burn in hell. Yun lang.
If that didn't give me the answer, nothing would.
Tomorrow marks our 22nd month together.
I forgot and made plans with another boy.
O di bah. San ka pa.
I had to cancel with the other boy, only to find out he made the effort to escape from work and his girlfriend for our plans. So I tried to reinstate our plans and decided to wiggle my way out of the monthsary crap instead, but the other boy already shut off our communication. Hay.
My soul will burn in hell. I just know it.
Hallelujah
This time we're not giving up. Let's make this last forever. It has been exactly a year since all that we knew fell. And the better part of that year was spent waiting for everything to fall back into place. When 2008 came around, I told myself this is my year... for happiness, success, uninhibited love, contentment. The undocumented times in the chronicles of us (in my blogs, in photos) are those when I had yet resolved my dilemma of staying or going. At last, on my 23rd, I knew that if I really wanted to leave, I'd already have. So staying became the only option. Bliss bliss bliss from that point on. But then, April came along, then May, then last Saturday.
It's always ever easier to forgive than to forget. I never made you believe all is done and shall be left in the past. The moment I took you back, the first thing I made clear was, "I'll never forget this and I'll go back to that-thing-you-did everytime you frustrate me." I did eventually forgive you, anyway. Not that I had to forgive her, she never showed any remorse over it. And up until recently, she was non-existent in my world. Eventually, the time I had prayed I would be spared from came and I had to meet her face-to-face, so she became more than a name on your phone.
Then, as if to test how long I can keep a straight face while being tormented, she kept popping in on the rare times I plan to spend relaxing. The mere mention of her name stresses me!!! The most stressful part being nobody must know why. Of course. That would be chaos; angry fists flying everywhere at the very least. You yourself have experienced what happens when this kind of shit hits the fan. So for as long as I can remember, I tried to heal my heart out of everyone's sight, with the exemption of you, a dear girlfriend and her man.
After all my efforts, this I'd like to tell her: YOU WIN. No, we've never been in a battle. In my head, though, I tried my best to be indifferent to you because I simply know I could never inflict torture in you as you have effortlessly done to me. I know with complete certainty that you never think of me as often as I let thoughts of you do laps in my over-blended mind. It's pathetic, at times, but hey, you win. I officially hate another living organism in this planet. I could never possibly despise anyone more than I do you. I curse the day you were born. Skanks have tried to ruin me, but they were mere donkeys in my little game of pin-the-L-on-their-foreheads. But you... You exceed all the evil in anyone I know. What kind of human, if you had the teeniest bit of goodness in you, would say, "Good for you. You deserved it", to people your boyfriend considers his friends after a near-death accident. Anyone I know would primarily make sure all is well and ALIVE and won't even consider wishing ill of people your boyfriend cares about. WIth that last reason alone, I won't quit finding pleasure in saying, "I HATE YOU". I do. I fucking hate you with my whole being. You - the girl my boyfriend wanted to screw, encouraged him to do so and in the end, screwed me over. I hate you.
With that out of my chest, I know I can sleep better. And B, please understand, I'm not mad at you. This is all about her and her ill morality, her imaginary conscience, her insensitivity to an almost fatal situation, her strong stomach that can tolerate being in the same room as you, me and her boyfriend. This isn't about us. We're good now. I don't blame you. There are times I do get upset when I consider it is your fault I am put in this compromising position. But that is quickly overshadowed with the consideration that the fault is no one else's but my own, for simply being unavailable THAT night. Oh well.
When I say forever, I know I'm right. If this whole roller coaster did not break us, nothing would. Let's just say that in the short time that the year and a half of our relationship is, we've both done everything possible to break us. She may eff my mood up with her mere existence, but she could never possible eff what we have up.
Just me and you.
happyness
There's something about being 23 that acts better than Prozac or Vicodin in my system. I think this is the longest I've ever been this serene or, for lack of a better term, sane. Fascinating.
Bliss is like coffee. No one will serve it to you for free... But you can always make it yourself, at the cheapest cost. ^_^
I still miss a lot of people, though. I miss my life up north every other time and I do long to come visit. Haaay...
Simple but not easy
Relationship success isn't magical nor mysterious. It's a simple process -- not easy but simple. If something made sense to you, try it. If it didn't, discard it.
If there was no sense in the whole relationship anymore, then you know what to do. Did I say it won't be easy? Let me emphasize that it's gonna be very difficult and it will hurt a lot. But it's the only solution.
I've become so embarrassed of my thoughts and emotions that I can't even blog it out anymore. Wawa naman me.
Attack of the Smokers
There was this woman the other morning that was so annoyed with cigarette smoke. We were in a jeep stuck in traffic when the driver lit a cig. On an ordinary day, I'd be annoyed myself and tell the driver off but that day, I decided to shut my piehole and be in on the whole annoy-the-old-lady scheme.
The rain had just stopped and the lady struggled to open the plastic drapes of the window. The driver stopped her, telling her it'd get ripped but the woman continued to struggle saying the smoke would trigger her asthma.
Then when the driver was done, the passenger beside him in the front lit one too. The annoyed lady transferred seats. A few yards later, a guy got on and sat beside her. Tadah! He had a lit cig too. I bit my tongue to keep me from giggling from the rather funny situation. I had the urge to light one myself but I couldn't compromise my own principles on smoking in public. I just sat there and enjoyed how the world decided to annoy an already at-her-wits-end whiner. Haha.
Oh shit.
It still hurts.
pala.
I'm one messed-up little loveaholic.
Light up the sky
You're making choice to live like this,
And all of the noise,
I am Silence.I said I will keep forgiving you every time and the only time WE would ever come to an end is when YOU give up. BIG MISTAKE. I always did manage to get myself in trouble with my big mouth and impulsive honesty. I've told you time and again...
Complacency is the enemy of progress. We haven't moved on from this rut we got ourselves in because the moment things look up for us... the moment I don't complain... you shy back away to your old ways that always always make me feel like crap. Please please. If you can't love me the way you tell me you will, just let me go. You wouldn't do it, would you? I know I couldn't so what the hell... I truly do deserve this crappy crappy feeling of apathy.
We already know how it ends tonight,
You run in the dark through a firefight.
And I would explode just to save your life,
Yeah I would explode.I'd do anything for you. I'd do anything for love. I already did and still will. No wonder friends think my celebrated intellect is of no use with my love life. You may have an IQ of 200 but
Tanga ka, girl.
Tanga ka. I always end up with the wrong guys. Or they always end up with the wrong me. What the world should do is gather all fucked up little girls like me and make us all live in a bubble. We shouldn't be allowed to roam freely and prey on nice young men. Heck, who am I kidding. You're no nice young man. If you were, I tell you... we both wouldn't have to grope in the dark for what to do next. I never was the first in a relationship to give up. Except for that one time but that was a different me.
Ginagago na ko, I still hold on. So the mere fact that I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion because of you shows you are more fucking fucked up than I can ever be.
I can’t find a wall to pin this to,
They're all coming down since I've found you.
I just wanna be where you are tonight.I longed to be beside you in everything you and I do. I was clingy, I knooowww. Those skanks had to pry you free from my cold dead fingers if they wanted to have you for themselves. Then one day, I woke up and realized that if you wanted to be with anyone else, I'm setting you free. Just don't come running back to me and claim yourself to be mine just because you have syphillis. Why did you have to throw everything we've shared and been through? C'mon mann... I can keep blaming you over and over and over and all you have to do is stay away from me and I'd stop bugging you. I can move on, you know. I really can. You just have to push me. Our memories are vanishing one by one in my head now... Just a little help from you and I'd be fine.
I run in the dark looking for some light,
And how will we know if we just don't try,
We won't ever know.Well. We won't, I suppose. Tssch. I don't think you realized you were appointed to save my life, not totally push it off course. Congrats.
