My heart-sleeved Shirt
[Originally posted Nov. 8, 2009 @ Multiply. Memories. Mem'ries.]The return to wearing my heart on my sleeve...
Acknowledging the ghostI miss you and I've been missing you for quite some time. I haven't spoken of you but you've been at the back of my head for the past couple of months. It was easy to pretend not to care because in all reality, I did not have intimate feelings for you. How could I, when I am madly in love with my B. I know you made your mark on me simply because at my lowest of low, you saw me. You saw past the weight gain and the self-esteem plunge and the drought in character. You showed me that even without all that I thought made me desirable, I can be and I am. You gave me something to look forward to during those 15-minute breaks and you kept me up during the most lackluster shifts, just by passing me by. Of course, the excitement of keeping under people's radar added to it all. The moment I decided I had to end what we had, I poured it all out and acted as if I had nothing more to say. But I do... and a lot at that.
Confronting the ghostYou said once I left APAC we could spend more time together. Lo and behold! When I left APAC, you seemed to have forgotten. You have a list, after all. One night... just one night. I suppose I would never forget that. I remember. There I was, all convinced it was a simple libido-fueled urge for a tryst and there you were, saying there was more to me that you wanted than just to feel my behind. There I was, slipping and there you were, pushing me to slip further. San Mig Strong Ice must have had quite an influence on you when you asked me to come far far away, just you and me. Haha. I thought I was over my silly vulnerable phase. Oh God, I pray I really am now. (Haven’t I countless times over?) Yet, at my quiet moments, I find myself wishing I could get over the fact that you planned on making a fool of me, with my friend no less. I just cannot see why. Your only explanation was that you were a jerk. I can live with jerks; I just cannot tolerate fucking liars. I meant something to you, huh? Then why was it that you thought I had no right to hold you accountable for anything. My friend was easy to forgive; she had what you didn't - the balls to talk to me. I honestly would've celebrated what the two of you did; we were all brought together in the spirit of fun, weren't we. At least, I would've appreciated the fact that you were able to do that thing, even if it wasn't with me. I never was the jealous type, anyhow. I just cannot shrug off the despise in feeling of being thought to be.
Releasing the ghostOf all the aches I had to go through in my short existence, I emerged alive and stronger. There is only one way I know how to and it is to write. Write write write. Talking only makes me tenderer; it makes the throb more real. In writing, I exhale it out of my system to an anonymous audience... propelling me into freedom. I've wanted to talk to you but I can't see the necessity of it. You have yours and I have mine and that's the way our worlds should be. Some things are best left unsaid and forgotten. Maybe at some distant moment, in the spirit of fun once again, we may share a couple buckets of beer, a kiss or two and exchange anecdotes from our individual adventures. I do miss you and perhaps I will continue to. I can only hope the same goes for you, even if each of our lives goes on regardless of how the other is.
Takes my heart and puts back in purse…
TTYYYN
In the words of Elbert Hubbard, this is what loyal people do – If you must growl, condemn, and eternally find fault, resign your position and when you are on the outside, complain to your hearts content...
I’ve resigned so now, I complain.
NEWSFLASH! You, You and You are not gods. You cannot simply wave your silly little hands and command a group of people to follow your whims. We do not worship you nor live at your mercy. This is not China and we did not apply to work at a sweat shop. We are people with brains, and that’s more than what I could say for You, You and You.
I can only hope that You, You and You do become power players of the millennium, enjoying your millions and millions, and gloating and gloating in your self-importance. But by the rate you’re going, we all know that’s not going to happen. The people you stand on to prove your grandeur will all walk away and You, You and You would fall flat on your faces with a silent thud because you’re all made of skin and air.
As for me, I’ll find new opportunities. I know what I can do and I don’t have to suffer to achieve greatness. I don’t have to compromise my values and principles, either.
Thank You, You and You. I learned a thing or two along the way. But I’d rather talk to You, You and You NEVER.
I'm sorry. Not really.
Browsing through Friendster made me realize something, the boy I've always thought to be my Mr. Big lost the love of his life partly because of me.
I had no idea how happy the two of you were and how perfect you were together. Just because he always managed to make his way to me, even when the two of you had supposedly gotten serious. If you were The One, why did he keep me around, noh? What's funny is, your stories are similar to my stories and to others' too. I just dont see what's so special about that. Is it because you tolerated him far longer?
Wala lang. Nabasa ko lang yung testi mo sa kanya, parang napakabitter mo that I was (and still am, by the way) in his life. I'm sorry if you were hurt because of me. I guess you hate me as much as I hate this other girl. Haha. Bilog nga ang mundo.
As I've said, my soul will burn in hell. Yun lang.
If that didn't give me the answer, nothing would.
Tomorrow marks our 22nd month together.
I forgot and made plans with another boy.
O di bah. San ka pa.
I had to cancel with the other boy, only to find out he made the effort to escape from work and his girlfriend for our plans. So I tried to reinstate our plans and decided to wiggle my way out of the monthsary crap instead, but the other boy already shut off our communication. Hay.
My soul will burn in hell. I just know it.
Hallelujah
This time we're not giving up. Let's make this last forever. It has been exactly a year since all that we knew fell. And the better part of that year was spent waiting for everything to fall back into place. When 2008 came around, I told myself this is my year... for happiness, success, uninhibited love, contentment. The undocumented times in the chronicles of us (in my blogs, in photos) are those when I had yet resolved my dilemma of staying or going. At last, on my 23rd, I knew that if I really wanted to leave, I'd already have. So staying became the only option. Bliss bliss bliss from that point on. But then, April came along, then May, then last Saturday.
It's always ever easier to forgive than to forget. I never made you believe all is done and shall be left in the past. The moment I took you back, the first thing I made clear was, "I'll never forget this and I'll go back to that-thing-you-did everytime you frustrate me." I did eventually forgive you, anyway. Not that I had to forgive her, she never showed any remorse over it. And up until recently, she was non-existent in my world. Eventually, the time I had prayed I would be spared from came and I had to meet her face-to-face, so she became more than a name on your phone.
Then, as if to test how long I can keep a straight face while being tormented, she kept popping in on the rare times I plan to spend relaxing. The mere mention of her name stresses me!!! The most stressful part being nobody must know why. Of course. That would be chaos; angry fists flying everywhere at the very least. You yourself have experienced what happens when this kind of shit hits the fan. So for as long as I can remember, I tried to heal my heart out of everyone's sight, with the exemption of you, a dear girlfriend and her man.
After all my efforts, this I'd like to tell her: YOU WIN. No, we've never been in a battle. In my head, though, I tried my best to be indifferent to you because I simply know I could never inflict torture in you as you have effortlessly done to me. I know with complete certainty that you never think of me as often as I let thoughts of you do laps in my over-blended mind. It's pathetic, at times, but hey, you win. I officially hate another living organism in this planet. I could never possibly despise anyone more than I do you. I curse the day you were born. Skanks have tried to ruin me, but they were mere donkeys in my little game of pin-the-L-on-their-foreheads. But you... You exceed all the evil in anyone I know. What kind of human, if you had the teeniest bit of goodness in you, would say, "Good for you. You deserved it", to people your boyfriend considers his friends after a near-death accident. Anyone I know would primarily make sure all is well and ALIVE and won't even consider wishing ill of people your boyfriend cares about. WIth that last reason alone, I won't quit finding pleasure in saying, "I HATE YOU". I do. I fucking hate you with my whole being. You - the girl my boyfriend wanted to screw, encouraged him to do so and in the end, screwed me over. I hate you.
With that out of my chest, I know I can sleep better. And B, please understand, I'm not mad at you. This is all about her and her ill morality, her imaginary conscience, her insensitivity to an almost fatal situation, her strong stomach that can tolerate being in the same room as you, me and her boyfriend. This isn't about us. We're good now. I don't blame you. There are times I do get upset when I consider it is your fault I am put in this compromising position. But that is quickly overshadowed with the consideration that the fault is no one else's but my own, for simply being unavailable THAT night. Oh well.
When I say forever, I know I'm right. If this whole roller coaster did not break us, nothing would. Let's just say that in the short time that the year and a half of our relationship is, we've both done everything possible to break us. She may eff my mood up with her mere existence, but she could never possible eff what we have up.
Just me and you.
happyness
There's something about being 23 that acts better than Prozac or Vicodin in my system. I think this is the longest I've ever been this serene or, for lack of a better term, sane. Fascinating.
Bliss is like coffee. No one will serve it to you for free... But you can always make it yourself, at the cheapest cost. ^_^
I still miss a lot of people, though. I miss my life up north every other time and I do long to come visit. Haaay...
Simple but not easy
Relationship success isn't magical nor mysterious. It's a simple process -- not easy but simple. If something made sense to you, try it. If it didn't, discard it.
If there was no sense in the whole relationship anymore, then you know what to do. Did I say it won't be easy? Let me emphasize that it's gonna be very difficult and it will hurt a lot. But it's the only solution.
I've become so embarrassed of my thoughts and emotions that I can't even blog it out anymore. Wawa naman me.
Attack of the Smokers
There was this woman the other morning that was so annoyed with cigarette smoke. We were in a jeep stuck in traffic when the driver lit a cig. On an ordinary day, I'd be annoyed myself and tell the driver off but that day, I decided to shut my piehole and be in on the whole annoy-the-old-lady scheme.
The rain had just stopped and the lady struggled to open the plastic drapes of the window. The driver stopped her, telling her it'd get ripped but the woman continued to struggle saying the smoke would trigger her asthma.
Then when the driver was done, the passenger beside him in the front lit one too. The annoyed lady transferred seats. A few yards later, a guy got on and sat beside her. Tadah! He had a lit cig too. I bit my tongue to keep me from giggling from the rather funny situation. I had the urge to light one myself but I couldn't compromise my own principles on smoking in public. I just sat there and enjoyed how the world decided to annoy an already at-her-wits-end whiner. Haha.
