I'm still wrapping my head around the idea of you dating someone else. Don't worry. In time, it won't hurt as much anymore. I'm just fascinated that in our last months together, I was begging you to give me, to give us, a weekend. But no, we just had to go to Lucena for the kids. And this weekend, you turned down your brother to visit the girls because you have plans. WHO ARE YOU?! Then I remembered. You are still who you are. You are who you were when we started dating. You gave me all the time. And when I gave in, you had conveniently pushed me down your priorities. I guess that's what turned me into the monster that you saw in me. I didn't feel like I mattered. Bait and switch, right? It was all my fault. I saw the red flags but I had rose-colored glasses on and I still allowed myself to go all in.
I badly want to reach out to you and give you a piece of my mind. But, whenever I feel like giving up, I always go back to the start to remind me of why I started in the first place. That's why I tweet, blog, and chronicle all that happens in my head so should I forget, I can remind myself. Timehop was kind to me today. It had made me realize how blinded I had been because I was so in love with you.
On our first beach trip together, I was so excited to spend the night with you under the stars. But you spent it with this girl who you found so interesting because she showed interest in you. I should've stopped seeing you right then and there. I was already in love with you. I forgot at the time to continue being in love with myself. Now, you have someone showing interest in you. Nevermind that you told me, my family, and my friends that you promised to be with me for the rest of your life. You found someone else interested in you. The love we shared does not matter anymore.
My love language is quality time. All I wanted was to spend a lot of time with you. Keep in mind that I spent a lot of time with myself for a year and a half before you came along. I was struggling to find balance. But I still chose you. I chose you over and over for five years that I had to accept that we couldn't spend every minute with each other and it's okay; I would love you just the same. Even in this distance, while you're talking to her and seeing her, I am still choosing you. That's why I cannot stop hurting just yet. My heart I remember how upset I was that you left flowers at my desk while I was on a call and you had left before I could even say hi. That showed me how you're all about instant gratification. You were already happy to see me and you were gone before I could get what was going to make me happy which was time with you.
I really thought I found the one person who shares my views in life and the world. In five years, it had become clear that the person I thought I found was just a projection of my idea of the partner I want to find. You are a people pleaser. You are a YES man. You would say anything to a girl to make her like you. It was my fault for forgetting that people always put their best foot forward in the beginning. I should have known better. I was just too overwhelmed with the fact that after dating one guy after another, I thought I had found the exception. I didn't. You weren't. And now, you are that person again, only with someone else.
I should have taken the looming typhoon as a sign of how life with you would be. But that's just how I am, right? Storms would never deter me from getting what I want. I should really never stop looking for signs.
I thought you were an upgrade. Well, you were... For my sex life. You did give me amazing orgasms. But we both know those happened because I taught you about a woman's body. Why did you allow me to school you on how to satisfy me in bed but not in our relationship? Why was it that me telling you how to become a better lover was okay but me telling you how to become a better partner was a hit on your ego? Maybe we really were better off as fuck buddies. You are good as a fuck buddy. Why did you have to convince me to commit to you. Then again, it was all my fault. My heart betrayed me. I should've seen that you were just lonely and you confused love with not being lonely. Now, you're gonna give her amazing orgasms. You're welcome.
The problem was that you refused to see the good in me. You were so blinded with what you did not like in me. You didn't see that I had given you my time, my love, and affection. You forgot about the laughter we shared, the smiles, the comfort, the hugs, the new experiences, my life plans. That was probably the most painful moment in our relationship for me - when you told me you just couldn't see anything good that I bring in your life anymore. And this conversation happened not because you cared enough to let me know, but because I had already felt that you weren't choosing me anymore. Again, what transpired next was my fault. I should've given up right then and there because it couldn't have been any clearer that you had given up on me, on us. You didn't trust me to understand. You didn't trust me to help you understand. You didn't trust me to change. You never trusted me with your feelings. "I hated how what you did made me feel. I don't want to feel that way anymore." So now, you are feeling happiness again with someone else. But that's just how you are, aren't you? Just as how you ended things with the other girls when you just didn't want to feel the pain of loving anymore.
I showed you who I really am from day 1. I warned you that it won't be easy being with me. But you went on to waste our lives for five years. You just couldn't walk away, could you? Not until you met someone else. It happened with the other girls and it's happening with me. I hope you realize that you are no better than the womanizing father you so despised. You think that just because you take us one at a time that you are different. Commitment is not loving someone when things are good. Commitment is working hard at making things good. Commitment is not giving up when someone better comes along. You think you are the most patient person. You made me believe you were. You couldn't even patiently make me understand what's going on in your head. You scoffed at me when I told you that this break up felt too rushed. You just couldn't wait to start your new life with her. Had you been patient, you would have been around when my stress from work is gone and I was a wonderful person again. You have always only liked me when I was in a good mood.
I don't easily fall in love. I don't just let people into my heart. That's why this whole detachment process has not been a walk in the park.That's why I am still so madly in love you. That's why it's okay for you to be with her now. Because I love you and I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. Someday, I will be happy with someone else too. For that, I shall patiently wait because I am now a kinder person and I am choosing to be kind to myself about how I am dealing with this pain. I am still thankful for having had the chance to truly love. It was just you that I was wrong about.
I am not allowed to contact you or anyone related to you anymore. Well, there really is nothing left to say except "How are you?" I have been praying hard for your happiness and I would love to see you happy. I don't know what God has in store for me and, honestly, I do not worry. I just truly hope that you find what you did not find with me.
I still do not know when I would stop having sleepless nights every time I think of you being in love with someone else. I know that day will come and I will be at peace. For now, I will not deny myself the right to ache at the thought that you have no mind of me anymore.
I miss you more than I miss anyone. Spending 24/7 with you physically and in my heart for five years is not as easy for me to forget as it is for you. I wish I were you right now. I will always wonder at how calloused your heart is that you can turn your back on love. I guess your forgetfulness indeed is your gift. I pray that God blesses you to experience real love and not just the kind of love that eases your lonely soul. I long for you and I think of all the nights when I stayed awake while you slept because I just loved watching you sleep and the stillness of the night and our closeness reminded me to be thankful that I had you in my life.
You were loved more than you thought. I'm sorry you don't realize that my love for you is greater than what I did that hurt you. I am sorry for hurting you and I will continue praying that she can make you happier than I ever could. Just do your part and love her... She will make you happy.
I am publishing this as proof that I wasn't the only problem. You and your inability to commit was also the problem; Because two years later, YOU WERE SAYING THE SAME THINGS. And you said these same things to Mary (who everyone fondly calls your imaginary girlfriend) and J-Anne (who you abandoned because she refused to promise you something impossible). I may not have changed, but neither did you.
If you ever question my love for you, remember who you were when I fell in love with you because, frankly, the new you sucks. Soon, your new girl will see the real you. I can only hope that she will stay loyal to you through everything as I did.
An email sent on November 4, 2014 (Tue 1:22 AM PST) to email@example.com. You are no Joseph the Dreamer, by the way. Look at yourself first before you go around judging everyone for their flaws.
I read my old blogs about us. You're right. We're not gonna be happy growing old together because that's not what you want. It wasn't what you want with your old girlfriends and it never was what you want with me. You don't want to grow old with anyone. You just don't want to be alone when the feeling strikes. (Women are not just vaginas!
) All you want to do is what is right. Maybe you should become a priest. Or a social worker.
If you wanna grow old with me, you wouldn't risk letting me be with another man. But you don't care. If I meet someone and fall in love again, your life is just gonna go on. I don't want to lose you and I'm willing to be poor with you. But no, you'd rather lose me than be poor with me. You see yourself getting a better job and getting married someday but you can see it happening with someone else. That hurts.
When you want something, you fight for it. You don't just let it go. You want music. You fight with me for it. That's who you are. It's important to you. But you never fought with anyone for me. You let me go. You're not an asshole. You just never loved me. You only stayed with me because it was the right thing to do.
I fight for our love but I don't even know who I'm fighting with. We don't need this time apart. You need it. You need to be away from me. Because that's what you do. You push people away. I need you. I push you away and you go. I'm still here. Loving you.
I'm very very sad because now I know what you're thinking. All those things you can't say to my face. You don't love me and you don't have the strength to tell me. You can't even stand to hold my hand or kiss me. Because my time with you is over. For you, our relationship has completely expired and you'll just leave it at that. It's the oldest story in the book and it's a story I'm all too familiar with. You don't even miss me.
I just hope that you won't wake up one day and wish that I'm there beside you. Maybe you won't. Coz that's you. You move on. I know that the time will come when you'd change your number so I can't reach you anymore. I know that the time will come when you'd barely look at me when I see in the mall.
I just hope that you'll truly fall in love someday and you'd know what love really is. Maybe then you'll know what I mean.
Labels: Olex Hutalla
That One Thing
I promised myself that I shall not contact you anymore after the email I sent yesterday and I remembered that I have this blog so here I am... Back to where I was before I decided to move forward with you.
It just bugs me what your dear mother told me. She quoted you. I immediately deleted the message so I wouldn't overanalyze it and overreact to it but if I remember right, it was something along the lines of "When we got back together, you accepted that it would be a difficult life with me but you would never leave me unless I make you leave." She added her personal note of not blaming anyone but I made a choice, I did what I did, and now I have to live with it. She just wants me to move on which quite frankly, felt more like "just leave my son alone. I need him to find someone else." SHE DOESN'T KNOW LOVE SO SHE COULDN'T TEACH YOU LOVE.
This is the problem. I can come up with ten thousand reasons why we should stay together but all that doesn't matter because of one reason why we should break up and that is the mistake I made that you didn't help me avoid. No one else knows how we feel when we are in each other arms, babe. No one else knows how fucking awesome our lovemaking is. No one else knows how much fun we have even just doing the most mundane of things like sitting on the couch. No one else knows how much we make each other laugh.
You asked for one thing and I couldn't give it. Well, I did give you so much laughter and tips on how to feel better about yourself and I did give you the best blowjob, didn't I? No? Then, by all means, please do move on and never look back. I have been fighting for us for five years. When was the last time you fought for us? Was I the one who threw everything away? One thing, Olex. One thing. I was hormonal and emotional and needy and made a mistake and there is no forgiveness for it.
To be honest, with how you treated me the past two months, I believe we are even at making each other feel like shit. Congratulations. Your revenge was a success. Now, live with YOUR decision. I'll take my love somewhere else.
Well. Well. Well.
Who would've thought that almost four years later, I will be back to this blog.
That never-ending cycle of evolution and regression.
Moving and leaving everything behind
You can find me here: Blinking Lights
Pancakes and Bacon
At times like the one I am enjoying
at the moment, I take comfort in everything that I could. Dinner? Here.
New bed. Finally got around to ditching the old thing that blanketed my memory. And a new cabinet to de-clutter with which I plan to "The Avengers" (read: assemble) come morning.
I'm one of those people who take comfort in mess which says a lot about my life. I've said time and time again that a clean head needs a clean bed. But, a mess to others is order to me. Fascinating it is that I'd rather leave things where I know I can easily access it, without any mind of how other people would find their way through the whole thing. My life, my world, my rules.
Blood test tomorrow morning. I rarely use my company HMO and the one time I desperately need it, my illness is not covered. Life. Let's all move to London or Canada, shall we?
I started getting involved with make up again. I know it will definitely take some time getting used to because yesterday, after laboring for minutes to get the perfect cat eyes, I scratched my eyelids and smudged the whole beauty of it in less than four hours. Today, after blending pink and green, the same crap happened. My hands have a mind of their own. We know that already.