Consider these the love letters I never sent you. and you. and you. whomever.: May 2010

Friday, May 28, 2010

Forgetting Boknat Mechado

Koonu: There's only one cure for pain like that.
Peter: What?
Koonu: Weed. Ya got any?
Peter: No.
Koonu: Well then let's just go surfing!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Womyn Who Can't Be Moved

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?

It was that time of the month when I have a reason to go north to Ortigas and be re-acquainted with the setting of my most funn past. I decided not to take a cab and to manipulate Mervin into dropping me off. Unfortunately for me, we compromised on me getting off at Silver City. It was in the middle of the mid-morning rush and all cabs were occupied so I took on the adventure of taking a passing van. Right after I handed my ten-peso fare, I had this brain storm of retracing the steps I took with you. So I got off at Meralco Ave., made my way to the Unionbank building, let the tears flow as flashes of you and me and how we used to be got the better of me - almost making me be hit by a speeding car by the post office - and walked all the way through Emerald and San Miguel to Medical Plaza. My feet even wanted to go forth to San Antonio and to break into unit H of the G&T building... but I did not want to end up in the same police station we had that gay dude from ICT blottered.

When I was done at the clinic, I walked back to Ortigas Park through ADB Ave., wept again when I passed by the parking lot which we always cut through to Megamall after work - way before you had a car and a bloated ego plus a you're-the-man attitude - and had a large serving of Ultimate Mocha at Coffee Bean.

It was an incredible feeling - being transported back in time like that. I was almost expecting you to walk up to me and have me at "Hi Ketch!" one more time. Every time a couple who held hands passed by, I thought of how Chrioni yelled "Hoy ano yan!?" when he and your classmates saw us holding hands for the first time. I looked at the bench we sat on when we had our first relationship talk and I could almost hear your voice as you said what happened did not matter and you understood that we both had to let go of our pasts in different ways - that was the last time I was ever with another guy, by the way. I recalled how you hate the heat of the sun and how you covered us both with your jacket as we walked through the scorching mid-day heat to go to the mall. I remembered how you would pretend to forget your break schedule just so you could take your lunch break with me... which, in time, our coaches learned to live with. God knows I would never forget those moments... I don't want to, anyway.

I want to keep remembering all our moments until remembering them no longer makes me ache. I want to keep remembering them until seeing happy couples no longer brings a lump to my throat. I want to keep remembering them because only I can keep those memories alive... Only I have the proof that we had a good run. Only I can tell of the stories of the love between a boy and a girl before Pandora's box broke open. And only I am all that's left of those memories.

So every time I am in Ortigas, I would be in the same seat at Coffee Bean until being there no longer reminds me of you. I would be there until writing about being there no longer makes me weep. I would be there until I no longer feel the need to be there. I would be there until I have happy thoughts to write about again.

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street

Post-script: I never did like the song because it seemed too story-ish and cannot be related to... Until Abby suggested this is so appropriate.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Memories in Full Color

This was going to be a hate post but I truly am not capable of hating you. I am very angry, yes. Very upset, yes. Very hurt, yes. But still... you're you even if you're a complete stranger now. Either you're one person I could never hate or I am one person who could never hate.

You just followed your happiness. I get it. It was at the expense of my happiness but hey, that should be okay. I'm just too selfish to accept that I am not the girl who can make you happy anymore. Ego thingy. I've just always wanted to keep all my belongings for as long as I can and to see what I had taken by a hoebag... Well, you get the idea. Plus, you never used my name for anything - a password or username or whatever. And you've officially discarded 17 for 04. So yeah, I am in pain again but only because I want to be. Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

So I opened our album. Stared at each photo and let the memories crash through. Wept. I'm going to be weeping for what we had for a very long time. We were so good together. Yes, everyone knows the three years we shared was no bed of roses. Who gives a crap. Each one of our photos is a reminder of the happy days. You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next.

You've grown wings and flown up up high, away from me and everyone else... And I'm honestly happy for and proud of you. Yet, I can tell you're still struggling with those wings. We've always relied on each other for advice. I hope the advice I gave you is not thrown into the wind. Because although I'm not in those photos, I took them. They were taken to be a reminder of those moments. They were taken to remind us during hard days of why we fought to be together. So to still hang on to them... is just insult to her. Hoebag na nga sya eh, don't treat or make her feel any less pa. Haha.

Make new memories and take lotsa pictures with her so one day, you don't look back at our pictures and go "Damn that was funn!"

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Director's Cut

"I suddenly realized that the way to get over you isn't by hooking up with some random guy, or pretending like we didn't happen. You and I loved each other --- and then you broke my heart. I've been doing everything possible not to face that fact. But, I'm gonna kiss somebody someday, and when I do... it will be for me. Goodbye..."
--- Blair to Chuck on Gossip Girl, Season 3 Episode 19 "Dr. Estrangeloved"

I was about to switch channels because the drama in Gossip Girl was starting to bug when this scene came on. Last night, someone told me the best way to make a guy feel bad about your break-up is to show him that you've moved on to another guy's arms. I say no. This is the first time that I want to heal my heart by myself. No rebounds, no new man for show.

My phone not prompting a new SMS used to drive me crazy for the first few weeks, especially when I knew that the prepaid credits I've given you was already being used for a hoebag. So I filled my days with exchanging SMS with a new dude, just to keep me from the habit of updating you with random details of my day. He didn't want to be a mere rebound, though, and I concurred that he was too nice a guy to be reduced to that. I kept my heart at bay but ended up only getting myself in a bigger mess because I simply could not keep from liking the guy and it now appears that I have sabotaged all possibilities of starting anew with him.

Oh well. Life, ya?

I finally got around to clearing up my phone of our photos. It was painful - seeing all our memories in full color. I wept a bit. I couldn't help but smile afterwards, though. Little by little, I'm ridding myself of you. I'm moving on in a healthy constructive way and I can't help but be proud of myself. When that day comes that I shall have my first kiss with a new man, I know I'd be ready and it would be magical.

At kung hindi na babalik
Sana sa pag-gising ay wala na ang nadaramang sakit
At kung hindi na babalik
Pilit sasabihin na hindi ako nagkamali

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

He was heartbreak from the moment that you met him.

Every story has an ending. Each day has to turn into night. A student has to graduate from school. A book has its last page. A song has its last note. The most faithful of lovers who grow old together are still separated by death. In the end, the choice is ours to make the ending a happy or a sad one.

How can I be sad at this point... When I am experiencing all that I willingly gave up for us. It's inappropriate to say but I am happier now than I was with you -- the latter part of the relationship, anyway. It was just terrible. The fighting, the struggle for time, the lies. Now I understand why you did what you did and I'm okay with that.

You're in love. You should be and I want you to be happy. Break-ups are never easy but if we didn't, I wouldn't have realized that there is someone I can have everything I want in life with. I can have both a realationship and all the other things that make me truly satisfied. I hope you find what you want in your life too as I have. Perhaps when the wounds heal and the scars fade, we can enjoy a fart-fest again and laugh at the mess that our relationship had become.

Until I found my life again, I drown. So save me now.