Friday, January 12, 2007


Someone's gonna love me the way I wanted you to need me...
Someone's gonna take your place...
I'll forget about you...
You'll see, I won't even miss you...
Even if I cared.

That day has come. Everything is unacceptably fucking perfect. Unfortunately, I still DO care.

I hate myself these past days. I love him. I do. But I'm not quite sure if I'm IN love with him. I hate me for having this whirlwind in my head. It's either I do or I don't, right? It always has. THAT is who I am. was. Well, this time, I absolutely have no idea. I was described to be binary by a mirror friend... I'm either 1 or 0. Well. I'm 1 and a half now... If that even makes sense.

Can I not truly break it off because I can't live without him? Or is it because life is simply more tolerable with him? Or is it because I don't want to go on with my life thinking I threw my chance at true fucking love at the nearest trash bin.

Ah. The answers. Only I hold them. Still.

There's something about honesty and emotional intimacy that is overrated and whatever it is, I've known that all along. That's why I've run from both for the longest time. Why the sudden sweet surrender? I think I started hating myself when I did. Because deep inside, I knew it was one way. I was in way over my head ONCE AGAIN.

I don't want to be miserable anymore. And I'm everything but when I'm with him, with my hand in his. But I find myself weeping whenever he's not around. What's wrong? What's missing? If I knew, I wouldn't be feeling this crap now, would I?

If only this whole woeful predicament comes with terms and conditions, any form of security or protection for my fragile scarred gula-gulanit heart... But credit cards are easier to sell.


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