Sunday, August 05, 2012

Stability - Day 1: Losing in order to Gain Back

I killed my Twitter and Facebook accounts to prevent myself from disclosing too much of what I'm going through and making everyone who knows me worry themselves to death before I can even kill myself. So here I am. Back.

Today, I started taking medications ---Abilify and Epival in the morning after breakfast. Yes, this means I can't miss breakfast anymore. A bit painful really, since I've tightened up my belt due to my financial status; thus, causing my disorder to get worse in the absence of the ability to travel and now I have to shell out Php 1.5K every five days to manage life. Kind of a moot point, me thinks. Oh well, the point is to keep me breathing and not dread waking up.

I woke up not sad today, not happy, either. Just, alive. The rain was falling heavily and I could barely make out the view from my window. This weather is not helpful, at all. I just want sunshine. I can try to convince myself that I'm not sad when it's sunny. I hope for... that thing. The term I liked to use often, when molecules transfer to another through the membrane. Gah.

My mind just went blank. This is what I don't like when taking drugs. I lose myself, too, along with the disorder. Oh well. Let's see how this works out.

Edit: the word came to me. It's osmosis. But, I already lost my momentum to write.


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