Sunday, June 27, 2010

You told me you'd hold me until you die

I write today not because I am resentful still... because I am not. I write today because there are things I want to say and these are things you need to know yet do not deserve to hear because you don't deserve advice [not instructions] from me anymore on how to live your life.

I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both

Whenever I tell people this exact message, nobody sees the truth in it because they readily conclude that I am saying it out of spite and consequence. Very few close friends believe and those are the people who have seen what we've been through and how we managed to be together all those years despite, well, everything and everyone else. Those few knows I truly want you to be happy and I am even praying that you two eventually end up together just so all the pain of our separation would be worth it. Everything I did - I did to make you happy... All because one random day you told me that your sole purpose in life is to love me and on another random day, you told me you are who you are because of me and you liked it. I have always had a soft spot for your mush because I knew and trusted you and it was never so easy for you to express your emotions. They knew you've always had sparks pala eh... then why did you have to deny her in front of your Momma. THAT has to be the saddest thing for someone you love to find out about. I just hope that if the day came for you to take her home to 48 Maywood Avenue, your mum would be gracious enough not to bring all that up and accept her with more courtesy than a hoe merely deserves. People are happy for you too, by the way José. We all just find it such an overkill (or too desperate?) for you to put it all over your online profile. And yes, we all know it's not your doing. If she has to do all those updates, then she must be feeling so insecure. Are you still in high school that she has to announce your relationship herself on YOUR profile? I had no idea she doubles as your secretary. Your life must be oh-so-easy breezy now that someone does everything for you, leaving you with no room to make up your own mind. But hey... If it makes you happy then it can't be that bad, yeah?

An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Oh, these lines are just too spot on not to be elaborated on. I am thrilled that a 14-year-old song could capture her description all too accurately. Except, would you eventually have a baby? And IS she an excellent mother? Funny how when you talked about your wavemates, you've described the bunch as an all-boys group, and that the girls look manlier than the boys do. Funny how she acted awkwardly and with too much tension when you introduced me. Funny how you said she is just a single mother who's one-of-the-boys and she's just a dude with a vagina when I teased you that she obviously was attracted to you. Funny how I bet she'd think I'm making these up because it's offensive to be talked about with such indignity. Funny how I may seem utterly pathetic now in my pain but the fact remains that when the hurt subsides, I'd be back to my awesome self and she'd still be just THAT girl even though you are already together. Funny how you outright said that she's just a girl that keeps you busy on your extra free time now that I'm out of your life... that there is no *magic* and that sure sounds to me like the proverbial rebound relationship. Let me guess how the relationship took off. She sent you some sweet text messages, held your hand, kissed you in the lips and told you she'd love to be your girlfriend... Before you even asked. Haha. The funniest thing has to be that you replaced me with someone who tries hard to use the English language but failed with the most basic subject-verb agreement. Epic fail!

And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it... Well, can you feel it?

I now have a very powerful secret that serves as my natural mood elevator at times when I miss you. You would never know of it... Perhaps nobody would. But just having this secret makes me be glad that I now have the liberty to do whatever makes me happy while you are stuck with this hoe that is slicing your balls off with her long fingernails, millimeter by millimeter. If you felt I stifled you, wait until the thrill of a new relationship subsides and you realize that choosing her made you rid yourself of the people that mattered. Wait until you realize that you've lost your self and you are simply living the role that the life with her entails. I have good people in my life, ones that lead me to the right path that leaves my conscience at peace. Just do me a favor and ask yourself this: If your conscience were at peace, why can't you talk about your newfound happiness with the people who would want to share that happiness with you?

You did tell me we would be together until death and I do not hold that against you because the day you told me you no longer loved me, you really died and that was when your promises expired. You may still be alive physically but the you that I knew no longer exists (and apparently the you that everyone else knew too). Your ghost haunts me when I'm awake and asleep but that's all there is to it. I just hope wherever you're going, you'd know and accept why you ended up there.


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