Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Samson, your hair was long when we first met

I wonder where the salbahe in me has gone. I was tad more interesting then. I betcha all those hearts I've broken because I was an insensitive non-committal priss would never believe me when I say I WANT to be a girlfriend. No, I don't want a boyfriend... I want to BE a girlfriend. Confusing, eh? Well, I'm not looking for someone. I want to be someone to someone. And the confusion continues...

You're right. You are my proverbial one-that-got-away. Thank you for reminding me. I lived in a black hole for three effin' months thinking I've never felt that kind of pain before when I actually did. Because of you. And you saw it all. You were there for me. Nobody had to see it because YOU WERE THERE. I should always go back to the start of this blog to remember why I must forever be grateful to you. And that makes you an incredibly better man than he just ever could be. OO nga. You should have been him and I suppose that would be my ultimate regret ever. For that, I'm truly sorry.

Nobody honestly believes I'm this okay now. I suppose I wouldn't too if I didn't know how terribly I fell apart four years ago. He may be my biggest downfall but you are my biggest heatbreak. I had to try to fill the void that you left me with with everything and everyone within reach. Remember that first night when I told you I was absolutely certain I knew what I wanted? I've always known. It's still what I want now. And I've always known he and how we were aren't what I want, I just liked the idea of who I was with him. It turned out what you wanted was different from mine and I couldn't give it to you so I came to accept why we weren't. So this loss was even easier to accept for me.

The sleepless nights, the loss of appetite, the verbal diarrhea... Those were reminiscent of the days after we stopped seeing each other. I suppose this time around was worse because I let me lose myself and be swallowed by the cliche that follows break-ups. Unfortunately, he left me high and dry so I had to run around and scatter my pain to any and all random people that gave me the time of day. Olats. I'm just glad that was over with.

I can only now hope that the actions and inactions of those days of darkness did not make me miss my chance with what I know I want. Because while the good guys are taken, the best guys aren't. They're just waiting and waiting for the right one. And hopefully, one of them finds me. Just as I found you.


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