Tuesday, June 10, 2008


This time we're not giving up. Let's make this last forever.

It has been exactly a year since all that we knew fell. And the better part of that year was spent waiting for everything to fall back into place. When 2008 came around, I told myself this is my year... for happiness, success, uninhibited love, contentment. The undocumented times in the chronicles of us (in my blogs, in photos) are those when I had yet resolved my dilemma of staying or going. At last, on my 23rd, I knew that if I really wanted to leave, I'd already have. So staying became the only option. Bliss bliss bliss from that point on. But then, April came along, then May, then last Saturday.

It's always ever easier to forgive than to forget. I never made you believe all is done and shall be left in the past. The moment I took you back, the first thing I made clear was, "I'll never forget this and I'll go back to that-thing-you-did everytime you frustrate me." I did eventually forgive you, anyway. Not that I had to forgive her, she never showed any remorse over it. And up until recently, she was non-existent in my world. Eventually, the time I had prayed I would be spared from came and I had to meet her face-to-face, so she became more than a name on your phone.

Then, as if to test how long I can keep a straight face while being tormented, she kept popping in on the rare times I plan to spend relaxing. The mere mention of her name stresses me!!! The most stressful part being nobody must know why. Of course. That would be chaos; angry fists flying everywhere at the very least. You yourself have experienced what happens when this kind of shit hits the fan. So for as long as I can remember, I tried to heal my heart out of everyone's sight, with the exemption of you, a dear girlfriend and her man.

After all my efforts, this I'd like to tell her: YOU WIN. No, we've never been in a battle. In my head, though, I tried my best to be indifferent to you because I simply know I could never inflict torture in you as you have effortlessly done to me. I know with complete certainty that you never think of me as often as I let thoughts of you do laps in my over-blended mind. It's pathetic, at times, but hey, you win. I officially hate another living organism in this planet. I could never possibly despise anyone more than I do you. I curse the day you were born. Skanks have tried to ruin me, but they were mere donkeys in my little game of pin-the-L-on-their-foreheads. But you... You exceed all the evil in anyone I know. What kind of human, if you had the teeniest bit of goodness in you, would say, "Good for you. You deserved it", to people your boyfriend considers his friends after a near-death accident. Anyone I know would primarily make sure all is well and ALIVE and won't even consider wishing ill of people your boyfriend cares about. WIth that last reason alone, I won't quit finding pleasure in saying, "I HATE YOU". I do. I fucking hate you with my whole being. You - the girl my boyfriend wanted to screw, encouraged him to do so and in the end, screwed me over. I hate you.

With that out of my chest, I know I can sleep better. And B, please understand, I'm not mad at you. This is all about her and her ill morality, her imaginary conscience, her insensitivity to an almost fatal situation, her strong stomach that can tolerate being in the same room as you, me and her boyfriend. This isn't about us. We're good now. I don't blame you. There are times I do get upset when I consider it is your fault I am put in this compromising position. But that is quickly overshadowed with the consideration that the fault is no one else's but my own, for simply being unavailable THAT night. Oh well.

When I say forever, I know I'm right. If this whole roller coaster did not break us, nothing would. Let's just say that in the short time that the year and a half of our relationship is, we've both done everything possible to break us. She may eff my mood up with her mere existence, but she could never possibly eff what we have up.

Just me and you.


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