Monday, June 04, 2007

I bruise easily.

Physically and emotionally, I do.

I am in another one of those moments in my life when I can only pray to God to put my pieces back together because I simply don't have enough strength to do so myself. You have shattered me so terribly like your promises that I just know if I snapped out of this daze, I am bound to self-destruct once more. Hold on to the denial, dear self, hold on. I will be okay. Although... I have this evil feeling that the dark act of escape would be salvation for me. It is in that exact moment when I am a slash on the wrist away from my demise... when flashes of my life catapults down on me... that exact moment that I realize I have been through worse and nothing can bring me down if I don't allow it. You were my life. Screw you.

For the first time in six months, I am cried out dry and I can only shake my head at the sudden turn of events for us. My hope of ever ever making us work has flickered its last spark and in all its finality, I shall be putting us to rest. Shame on you for fooling me once and now, all the shame's on me. My anger made me break a couple of my fingers and with the persistent physical pain, I just know that this is just about the breaking point that I so avoided. I fight with myself whether I might have reacted in all exaggeration and superficiality. I still want to save us. But every reason I have leads me back to the fact that... you did what you did and perhaps I love you, hence, I shall forgive you. But we could never be happy as we were because I couldn't forget even if I tried. I will live in paranoia and unease and the mere idea of it excruciates me. This is it.

I spent the whole day cooking up what to tell you in reply to all the fucking lies that you seem to simply exhale. But all I can come up with is... Was it worth it???


I finally figured out the song you mentioned that Keisha Cole made famous... It's I should have cheated. I can't help not wishing I did.


At 9:50 AM, Blogger sede said...

hi dear..
hope you're fine.
i'm speechless, don't know what to say.
but i guess i just have to let you be.
take care.

At 4:03 PM, Blogger Ton said...

bliss is a shot of tequila and happiness a swig of redrum..

At 12:45 PM, Blogger kassy said...

i havent checked on you nor have read tons of your blog posts for sometime, hugs sweetie.

bETtEr dAys! there will be.. better days.


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