Saturday, August 27, 2016

Hello

I'm still wrapping my head around the idea of you dating someone else. Don't worry. In time, it won't hurt as much anymore. I'm just fascinated that in our last months together, I was begging you to give me, to give us, a weekend. But no, we just had to go to Lucena for the kids. And this weekend, you turned down your brother to visit the girls because you have plans. WHO ARE YOU?! Then I remembered. You are still who you are. You are who you were when we started dating. You gave me all the time. And when I gave in, you had conveniently pushed me down your priorities. I guess that's what turned me into the monster that you saw in me. I didn't feel like I mattered. Bait and switch, right? It was all my fault. I saw the red flags but I had rose-colored glasses on and I still allowed myself to go all in.

I badly want to reach out to you and give you a piece of my mind. But, whenever I feel like giving up, I always go back to the start to remind me of why I started in the first place. That's why I tweet, blog, and chronicle all that happens in my head so should I forget, I can remind myself. Timehop was kind to me today. It had made me realize how blinded I had been because I was so in love with you.


On our first beach trip together, I was so excited to spend the night with you under the stars. But you spent it with this girl who you found so interesting because she showed interest in you. I should've stopped seeing you right then and there. I was already in love with you. I forgot at the time to continue being in love with myself. Now, you have someone showing interest in you. Nevermind that you told me, my family, and my friends that you promised to be with me for the rest of your life. You found someone else interested in you. The love we shared does not matter anymore.


My love language is quality time. All I wanted was to spend a lot of time with you. Keep in mind that I spent a lot of time with myself for a year and a half before you came along. I was struggling to find balance. But I still chose you. I chose you over and over for five years that I had to accept that we couldn't spend every minute with each other and it's okay; I would love you just the same. Even in this distance, while you're talking to her and seeing her, I am still choosing you. That's why I cannot stop hurting just yet. My heart I remember how upset I was that you left flowers at my desk while I was on a call and you had left before I could even say hi. That showed me how you're all about instant gratification. You were already happy to see me and you were gone before I could get what was going to make me happy which was time with you.

I really thought I found the one person who shares my views in life and the world. In five years, it had become clear that the person I thought I found was just a projection of my idea of the partner I want to find. You are a people pleaser. You are a YES man. You would say anything to a girl to make her like you. It was my fault for forgetting that people always put their best foot forward in the beginning. I should have known better. I was just too overwhelmed with the fact that after dating one guy after another, I thought I had found the exception. I didn't. You weren't. And now, you are that person again, only with someone else.


I should have taken the looming typhoon as a sign of how life with you would be. But that's just how I am, right? Storms would never deter me from getting what I want. I should really never stop looking for signs.

I thought you were an upgrade. Well, you were... For my sex life. You did give me amazing orgasms. But we both know those happened because I taught you about a woman's body. Why did you allow me to school you on how to satisfy me in bed but not in our relationship? Why was it that me telling you how to become a better lover was okay but me telling you how to become a better partner was a hit on your ego? Maybe we really were better off as fuck buddies. You are good as a fuck buddy. Why did you have to convince me to commit to you. Then again, it was all my fault. My heart betrayed me. I should've seen that you were just lonely and you confused love with not being lonely. Now, you're gonna give her amazing orgasms. You're welcome.



The problem was that you refused to see the good in me. You were so blinded with what you did not like in me. You didn't see that I had given you my time, my love, and affection. You forgot about the laughter we shared, the smiles, the comfort, the hugs, the new experiences, my life plans. That was probably the most painful moment in our relationship for me - when you told me you just couldn't see anything good that I bring in your life anymore. And this conversation happened not because you cared enough to let me know, but because I had already felt that you weren't choosing me anymore. Again, what transpired next was my fault. I should've given up right then and there because it couldn't have been any clearer that you had given up on me, on us. You didn't trust me to understand. You didn't trust me to help you understand. You didn't trust me to change. You never trusted me with your feelings. "I hated how what you did made me feel. I don't want to feel that way anymore." So now, you are feeling happiness again with someone else. But that's just how you are, aren't you? Just as how you ended things with the other girls when you just didn't want to feel the pain of loving anymore.


I showed you who I really am from day 1. I warned you that it won't be easy being with me. But you went on to waste our lives for five years. You just couldn't walk away, could you? Not until you met someone else. It happened with the other girls and it's happening with me. I hope you realize that you are no better than the womanizing father you so despised. You think that just because you take us one at a time that you are different. Commitment is not loving someone when things are good. Commitment is working hard at making things good. Commitment is not giving up when someone better comes along. You think you are the most patient person. You made me believe you were. You couldn't even patiently make me understand what's going on in your head. You scoffed at me when I told you that this break up felt too rushed. You just couldn't wait to start your new life with her. Had you been patient, you would have been around when my stress from work is gone and I was a wonderful person again. You have always only liked me when I was in a good mood.



I don't easily fall in love. I don't just let people into my heart. That's why this whole detachment process has not been a walk in the park.That's why I am still so madly in love you. That's why it's okay for you to be with her now. Because I love you and I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. Someday, I will be happy with someone else too. For that, I shall patiently wait because I am now a kinder person and I am choosing to be kind to myself about how I am dealing with this pain. I am still thankful for having had the chance to truly love. It was just you that I was wrong about.


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